


The Threat of Teapots

by hippoprima



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Alice in Wonderland Fusion, Crack, Gen, It's all a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 14:32:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11511357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippoprima/pseuds/hippoprima
Summary: Q has an Alice in Wonderland dream, but mostly, ??????????????????????????????????





	The Threat of Teapots

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the first bit for the 15min challenge and wanted to continue. Now that I've persevered through it I felt like the world would've been better off if I'd just left this alone.

Q only opened his eyes because he heard a familiar voice exclaim, "Oh hell, I'm late!"

He remembered falling asleep on the sofa in his office and when he opened his eyes, he was still indeed on the sofa. Except he wasn't quite inside his office anymore.

Somehow his office, or rather, his sofa, low coffee table with its stacks of trade journals, non-confidential files, empty mugs, and knickknacks, ugly rug with numerous coffee stains, and two of his office walls with all its furnishings seem to have been transported into an idyllic English countryside, complete with gentle bird calls and a small wood in the near distance. He wanted to shoot up in alarm but was pinned down by a heavy weight on his chest. Q looked down and got a face full of fur.

"What. Dinah, what are you doing here. What is this?"

His cat threw an annoyed look over her shoulder and went back to twitching her tail in his face. He was instead answered by another, "I'm late!!", this time a lot closer than before.Q looked up, apprehension prickling his scalp.

Tanner was slowly jogging towards him. Other than occasionally consulting a shiny gold pocket watch, he was more or less dressed the same - nothing untoward like a playboy bunny suit, _thank god_.

Q looked down at his cat. "Alice in Wonderland? _Really_? Just because I've got a cat called Dinah? It's only because I like that Jefferson Airplane song!" He shouted this at the sky, God, nobody in particular. Neither of the three replied.

"I'm late I'm late!" Tanner was passing just near his desk now.

"Yes Bill you've said that. Must you take your role so seriously? Is my imagination only capable of cliches?"

Dinah answered him by backing up her fluffy arse right into his face and then jumping off to follow Tanner, who'd gone surprisingly far in the past three seconds. Well, it was a dream after all.

Q sighed and got up to go after Tanner and his cat, noting with alarm at the last possible second before he fell into a hole that Tanner had grew long white rabbit ears and a puff ball of a tail could be seen whenever his suit jacket shifted enough to show his behind.

 _Bloody hell_ , thought Q.

 

The pit was seemingly bottomless and he fell achingly slow. Floated, more like. And the entire time he was floating downwards he was in pitch darkness. There were no cupboards or bookshelves to browse, no marmalade to sample, not that Alice herself got to have any in the book.

Q entertained himself with attempting mid-air somersaults (he alarmingly got stuck going down in the head first position for a while), trying to touch the sides of the pit (it felt disgustingly like melty Play Doh), and planning the new security update (he forgot the previous line as soon as he thought of the next). Luckily, he reached the bottom before he got too frustrated or bored.

Rubbing his rump from the slightly jarring landing Q headed down a long tunnel that was not unlike the corridors of Q branch. He could have almost believed he was in Q branch itself if not for the hall of doors he came up to at the end.

On the wrought iron table in the center there was no key or bottle labled 'DRINK ME' but rather a pint of beer.

"Oh," Q picked up the glass and took a sip, "Well good job me, for dreaming this stuff up."

He finished half the pint before noticing there was also a Japanese boxed meal that had a bunny face composed of egg whites and seaweed cuttings. There was unagi underneath.

"Not bad, me! I wonder if this is some kind of lucid dreaming. Perhaps next time I ought to aim for a tech conference or make den. Or a less odd combination of food."

Q picked up the box and quickly ate it, sitting cross legged on the floor with the pint by his knee. When he looked up again he was now sitting in a wooded area amongst tall grass, the table was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh have we skipped the whole crying, swimming in tears bit? Good. Because I'm not exactly an overly emotional child."

"Then, who ARE you?"

Q twisted sharply and saw a giant mushroom towering behind him.

"Oh we've gone straight to the caterpillar. I wonder who you are..." He grabbed the edge of the mushroom and hoisted himself up, only to get uncomfortably close to a face he really did not want to be that close to.

"SILVA?!"

"I am. And who are YOU?"

"..."

Q stared at Silva the Caterpillar, or rather Silva-who-was-sitting-in-a-big-squashy-caterpillar-sleeping-bag Caterpillar, who was inexplicably crocheting a sugar skull out of electric wires instead of smoking a hookah like a normal Caterpillar, and came to a decision.

"Sod this." Q slid off the mushroom and stomped off to Silva calling to him.

"Come back! I have important things to tell you boy!"

"Sod this, sod this, fuck. Not bloody likely." Q muttered as he quickly sped off deeper into the woods.

 

The scenery never changed no matter how long Q walked, it was always the same trees, never getting sparser or thicker, the underbrush was always the same few clumps of grass and wildflowers. Q thought he might be walking in circles but considering this was a dream, he didn't think it really mattered either way. He was just contemplating finding somewhere to rest when he heard footsteps approaching.

It was Tanner, still with the rabbit ears, which now that he was closer Q could see was attached to a headband like a semi-realistic costume prop. He was walking slowly with his head down, turning this way and that as if he was looking for something. When he saw Q he visibly started.

"Q!" Tanner said so sharply Q actually jerked back in surprise. "What ARE you doing here? Where's your budget proposal for the departments meeting? Go and fetch it right away, quick now!" And Q was so distraught by the thought that he doesn't have his budget proposal that he forgot he was dreaming and dashed off in the direction Tanner pointed.

In fact, his mind was still racing trying to recall why he hasn't got his proposal, what was in it, and what he was going to say when he returned empty-handed and empty-headed to the departments meeting that he didn't notice a tapping sound following him until a voice suddenly piped up.

"You haven't got your proposal because you've already handed it in yesterday, at the departments meeting."

Q looked around to see who's spoken but could only see trees, trees, some shrubbery, and more trees.

"Up, up, up," said the voice. And then, "tsk, where is your head at?"

Q looked up and saw the big fluffy tail first. It dangled there, swaying gently in a non-existent breeze and Q stared at it, mesmerized. Then suddenly the tip twitched.

"Up up up!"

Q looked higher and saw Moneypenny lounging on the bough of a tree. She was also, thankfully, not dressed in anything as untoward as a sexy cat costume but she was markedly more in character than Tanner and Silva were, wearing what looked liked a big fleece pink onesie with purple stripes all over. Or a purple onesie with pink stripes all over. The hood of the onesie that was pulled up over Moneypenny's curly hair had ears that were obviously fake. Q looked dumbly back down at the tail that was very obviously real.

"Go stare at your own cat's tail, not mine," said Moneypenny. Q noted that the tapping sound was her nails typing on her phone and she hadn't looked up once the entire time.

"Erm, sorry?" Q ventured.

"You haven't got your proposal because you've already handed it in yesterday at the departments meeting. In real life."

"Oh. Right. So what do I do now?"

"What do you want to do?"

"Wake up?" asked Q hopefully. He wanted to confirm if he did indeed hand in his budget proposal yesterday and this was just some lingering trauma worked into his dream by his scarred subconsciousness.

"Then do." Moneypenny waved her hand imperiously at him, still focused on her phone.

"But how?! HOW do I wake up?"

"How do you normally wake up? Do that."

"I... I... You're mad!"

"I'm not mad, YOU are."

"ME?! How am I mad?"

"You've dreamt me up in a pink and purple striped onesie."

Q shut his mouth so fast his teeth clicked. That wasn't something he could argue with. He tried a different topic, "Is there somewhere I should be going?"

"Go to the departments meeting."

"What? Why? I thought it was over and done with yesterday. In real life."

"Yes but you couldn't picture M playing croquet even in your dreams so another departments meeting it is. Now go, shoo, I have emails to answer."

Q left Moneypenny and headed down the direction she'd pointed at. He looked back to see that she hadn't disappeared in the slightest and was still fully there on the tree branch with her phone, dangling tail and all. _Some Cheshire_ , he thought, _didn't smile, can't disappear._

 

After walking for a long while Q tuned out his surroundings and began to think, M and croquet, so that meant M was the Queen of Hearts. A departments meeting where the Queen of Hearts reigned sounded terrifying and Q wasn't sure if he wanted to keep going towards it. Suppose he could somehow make his way to the March Hare's tea party? Q randomly picked a new direction and went down that way instead, intent on avoiding exactly the scene he'd just came up upon.

The playing card minions were for some reason in their original playing card forms, flat and rectangular, with their hands and feet at the corners. They weren't painting a rose bush though, but were busily dusting for fingerprints on the marble statues, it looked like, and taking photos of topiaries, and putting bits of gravel and twigs in evidence bags. All of them wore clean masks and were disturbingly quiet as they worked. Before Q could ask what had happened here, Tanner ran up to him.

"Q! THERE you are. We're all waiting for you, M is terribly displeased you know," said Tanner breathlessly. He abruptly turned and ran back the way he came so Q had no choice but to follow. As the two of them ran Q wondered whether to tell Tanner about the budget proposal but Tanner didn't give him a chance to speak. "We've lost Bond again."

"Oh no. Where was his last known location? What was he working on?"

He was last seen with Trevelyan and that CIA agent, Leiter, at Hare House."

"Hare House? Where is that? Why was he with 006 and a CIA agent?"

"Having tea," answered a no-nonsense voice that wasn't Tanner's. Q looked up in surprise, he seemed to be surprised a lot in this dream, and saw that they were now standing before M at her desk in a cubicle made of tall hedges.

She rose and came around to stare down Q in disapproval, as though Bond having a cuppa with Trevelyan and Leiter was his fault. Q tried to discretely look her over to find evidence of her as the Queen of Hearts but didn't see anything. No dress, no crown, no red. M was in her usual pant-suit set. He felt a little disappointed, and M noticed.

"Did you really think I'd need a dress or a crown to be the Queen of Hearts?"

"Ah, no ma'am," Q tried to sound contrite.

"Good," she pointed at her lapel at a tiny pin that Q didn't notice before, it was a red anatomically human heart with a gold crown on top. "Because this is all you'll going to get. Now, find me Bond or you will be writing budget proposals for the rest of your career." With that, she went back to sit at her desk and yelled sharply, "NEXT!"

Q turned and saw Edwards, the HR department head, approach nervously from a gap between the hedges. They nodded politely at each other and Q slipped out through the same gap Edwards came in.

Outside the hedge wall was a wide open expanse of well manicured lawn with many gravel paths lined with animal topiaries that radiated out from M's cubicle. Q wondered which path he should take when he registered a familiar tapping noise. He looked around for Moneypenny but didn't see her. A moment later he realized the odd thing floating in mid air was her tail hanging horizontally as though left was down. He patiently waited for her to materialize but she never did. Only her voice could be heard.

"I'm pointing the way for you, you realize. Go left."

"Left. Okay. Thanks."

So Q scurried left.

 

Left led to a small bridge over a smaller stream, after which was a fork in the road. Moneypenny's tail appeared again to point him down the right path and again and again every time there was a fork. Once, her tail showed up pointing straight down when there was no fork in the road, until Q looked closer and realized there was literally a small silver fork lying in the middle of the road. He picked it up and put it in his pocket. He didn't go much further than that before he saw the house.

Hare House was an apt description of a house that was very much like the rabbit house described in the original book, ear-chimneys, fur-roofs and all. There were snatches of conversation and laughter and occasional bursts of gunfire floating from around the back of the house. Q's apprehension came back when he realized he's about to enter a truly mad Mad Tea Party.

Around the back was a long table set for tea under a big tree. Bond, Trevelyan, and Leiter were seated at one end talking about something that required them to every now and then take out their guns and shoot at the tea settings on the other end of the table. Q approached cautiously and sat in a free chair across from Trevelyan.

"No no!" Trevelyan shouted, "Can't sit down without giving us our kits, boffin!"

"I don't have your kit. And Mr. Leiter isn't MI6."

"Don't be stingy," said Leiter, "Here, I'll give you some tea and you give us our kits. You've got to have _something_."

Q accepted the delicate little china cup Leiter handed to him and took a sip. Then promptly spat the content back out.

"This is SCOTCH, not TEA!" cried Q.

"Ah close enough boffin, close enough." Trevelyan took a big swig of a clear liquid in a water glass that Q suspected wasn't water. "Now it's your turn Quartermaster, kits!"

Q patted his body down, wondering what he could give to the men as their kits when he felt the little silver fork in his pocket. Slowly he took it out and inspected it, only to have it snatched away by Bond.

"Aha! A fork! An _exploding_ fork," Bond held the thing up before Trevelyan and Leiter proudly, showing the cutlery off. "And here I thought you said you didn't go for those anymore."

"What, no, we don't. I found that actually, so I highly doubt it'll--" Q was cut off as Bond suddenly flung the fork down the length of the table at one of the tea pots that escaped their target practice earlier and the tea pot, along with the entire other end of the table, disappeared into a small fireball. Q froze for a moment in shock before snapping his head around to yell at Bond.

"WHAT in the BLOODY HELL was THAT, Bond?! You IRRESPONSIBLE, IDIOTIC, ARSE!"

Q didn't know when he'd gotten his hands on Bond's lapels but he did notice that for all his violent shaking of Bond, something had popped up on his head. Q paused a moment in his apoplectic yelling to see that it was a pair of fuzzy ears. He turned slowly to look at Trevelyan and Leiter, a little afraid of what he'd see. Sure enough, Trevelyan was now wearing a defeated top hat riddled with bullet holes and Leiter had long rabbit ears like Tanner.

Q turned back to Bond, who now has a long tail waving behind him, "Dormouse? Seriously? _Dormouse_? If you're the bloody Dormouse I'm going to SHOVE YOU INTO A TEAPOT DON'T YOU DARE BE THAT IRRESPONSIBLE WITH MY TECH AGAIN YOU--!!!"

 

Q's whole body moved back and forth with the force of shaking Bond, so much so that he could feel his own head lolling back and forth. Distantly he could hear Bond calling his name, "Q... Q..." it was strangely getting louder and clearer. Q blinked and Bond was suddenly ears-and-tail-free and looking very worried.

"Q. Q, are you all right? You were very agitated."

"Mmmmrr?" was all Q could manage to say as he took in his office, the coffee table with the empty mugs and the ceiling with its soulless lights.

"Bad dream Q? You were shouting something but I couldn't catch what it was."

"I... I gave you a fork," Q said slowly, trying to grasp at the dream that was rapidly fading, "And you were irresponsible with my tech again..." Q trailed off as his eyes landed on the equipment tray on his desk, and the charred mass that was sitting in it.

Things were coming back to him now.

He was taking a nap after pulling a double shift, waiting for Bond to check in before going home. Bond was back, so that means that charred mess on his desk was...

"Bond that'd better not be the brand new drone I built you because I am going to seriously stuff you into a teapot this time."

**Author's Note:**

> I might become THE source of stupid nonsensical shit in this fandom. I'm sorry.


End file.
